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Grey skies will clear up... - Nobody wears a white coat any more... — LiveJournal
...a tribute to becoming a doctor.
Grey skies will clear up...
...put on a happy face.

It has rained either on the day of or the journey to every interview except the one in my home town, O Best Beloved. It was a beautiful sunny day when I came out of that interview, and that was my sign. I told you I was thinking I would stay at home and go to residency here. Suddenly, I'm terrified.

I stopped by school today and cleaned out my mailbox. There were three green slips - grade sheets - for three different rotations. Emergency medicine: Honours. I knew that. Sub-I at $other_residency, the one where I love the residents and like the program and would go if I were inclined to move, but I'm not: High pass, with comments:
"Is an extremely bright student with knowledge well above the average student at her level of training. She was very self-motivated and took on responsibility well. She was well-read about her patients' problems. She was very caring towards her patients and showed much compassion. She will be an excellent physician." (Staff)
"Honest, caring, respectful, hard working, eager to learn...I think Nicole did a very good job in her IM rotation with us." (Chief resident)

I was elated. I should be. That's high praise. Then I opened the third one.
This is the evaluation for my rotation here at $residency, where I had a good month, felt like I got along well with the residents, learned a lot and had fun at the same time. Everyone seemed to enjoy working with me, once I got used to the hospitals I felt like I was a contributing part of the team...I felt good about it, good enough that I really had no regrets about deciding that I wanted to stay at home and not move. I felt good.
Pass, with comments:
"This evaluation was completed with input from the staff physicians and residents that this student spent time with. It is felt that Nicole has an adequate knowledge base and skill sets. It was felt that her attitude and demeanor need work. She at times is felt to be unreceptive and dismissive to constructive feedback as well as being abrupt with patients on occasion and not listening to them. Residents characterized her as "irritating", "unprofessional", "unaware of invading people's personal space", "didn't listen", etc."


It's been a long drive down to this interview, O Best Beloved, another four hours after I picked up my evaluations. I've been crying off and on the whole time. I'm alone. I don't comprehend, I can't understand how such a positive experience for me resulted in such a demeaning and horrific summation. This is the place I felt comfortable enough to say that I wanted to spend three years of my life, these are the people I thought I got along well with. Nobody said anything when I asked for advice. "You're doing fine. Keep working hard." Obviously, not.
I went to drop off some paperwork. I couldn't finish a sentence without bawling. "Maybe this is a sign," she says. God bless M, she has been my lifeline and my mainstay throughout three and a half years of medical school. She hugged me and listened to me crying, she read my evaluation in shock and dismay. "How can anyone meet you and say that about you? Maybe they've got the wrong person."
M thinks I should go to $other_residency. She saw my evaluation for it come through (maybe the one for this most recent month?) and based on what they said, she was certain my choice would be made. She was surprised to find that I'd been thinking to go to $residency. I've e-mailed. I'm hoping for a response, and relatively soon, so that I can meet with Dr. B, who put the evaluation together, and ask him what happened. Because I don't understand at all how things can seem so wonderful and come out in such a bizarrely twisted resolution, and all of a sudden I'm wondering if maybe this place I thought would be a very nice fit for me is something other than what I perceived it to be. What did I do wrong?

And now dinner is in ten minutes, with total strangers, here in this city where I don't want to go to residency and don't know what I'm doing here anyway. I need to go wash my face and put on some makeup.
I wanted to tell you a happy story. I'm sorry.

now feeling:: crushed crushed

23 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word
dempcat From: dempcat Date: December 8th, 2004 12:10 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
I'm so sorry :( I believe you will make a wonderful physician wherever you go. As to the betrayal and confusion you feel from $residency - maybe they respond to requests for feedback differently, or maybe the person preparing the form prompted for criticism and got what he asked for. Minor criticisms can look like outright hatred when they're aggregated and not tempered by an overall view. I just can't imagine any group of people actually disliking you that much.

ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:02 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Thanks. That means a lot. I'm thinking kind of the same thing...or that maybe it was a couple of people, not the whole group.
mdrnprometheus From: mdrnprometheus Date: December 8th, 2004 12:45 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
Ah, yes. The good old "get annoyed at the med student over some trivial thing and don't bother to tell hir about it when asked for feedback" game. I've been on the receiving end of this before. There's no rhyme or reason for it; it means that you asked one of your residents a question sie didn't know the answer to, or have the wrong politics, or something like that. Or, judging from the "personal space" thing -- you put your papers in someone's spot. Or sat next to them when they didn't want to be bothered. It's *always* something trivial, and they *know* they shouldn't be this angry with you about it, and that's why they *are* so angry.

Anyway. It's upsetting that it really makes $residency hard for you to get into. But it's not a reflection on you as a human being, it's a reflection of the fact that some people are toxic. Illegitimi non carborundum.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:03 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Crazy, isn't it?
Thanks for the support. It means a lot, especially coming from people I respect as much as you :)
daimones From: daimones Date: December 8th, 2004 12:53 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
*hugs* life isn't always happy stories.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:03 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
And don't you know it, of all?
daimones From: daimones Date: December 9th, 2004 05:17 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Perhaps. My life hasn't been the best, nor the worse. But I still struggle with reality; that is, not everything can be happy.

Call it a balance, if you will. For yin to exist, so must yang.

And you know, but yet, you say: I wanted to tell you a happy story. I'm sorry.

I though I'd remind you. Just in case you'd forgotten. For better, or for poorer... A creed that should not only be part of marriage, but indeed, first part of a friendship.
daimones From: daimones Date: December 9th, 2004 05:18 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Darn. I forgot my subject: I may have failed to parse that correctly...

Not only did my parser perhaps fail, so did my redirect on stdout. :)
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:39 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
I still love you.
daimones From: daimones Date: December 9th, 2004 06:27 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Ah, so I did, indeed, f* up. :)

tyomniye From: tyomniye Date: December 8th, 2004 01:41 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
*snuggles* I still say you'll be the doctor I'd want as my family physician. I think they should have been honest with you instead of building you up to a disappointment like this. But I agree with what was already said, people are people & they're not always what you wish they would be.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:03 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
numair From: numair Date: December 8th, 2004 01:55 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
(hugs muchly) I know you care, moreso than most, and I barely have enough contact with you.

I do have plenty of people with baseball bats and a desire to get out of final exams, though ^_^

(HUGS AGAIN)...because you can never have too many arms around you.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:06 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Maybe I'm only nice over the Internet...muahahahahaha!
But thank you :)
numair From: numair Date: December 9th, 2004 05:13 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
I doubt you only care over the 'net considering the parties that I hear ya'll throw during holiday seasons, and allowing people to stay, and caring about Erica...and the list goes on.
lincolncent From: lincolncent Date: December 11th, 2004 09:19 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
try telling that to someone who's met you in person. :P
pwwka From: pwwka Date: December 8th, 2004 01:58 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
I know this is petty, but that last evaluation is written almostly entirely in the passive voice. That's pathetic. I don't like them already.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: December 9th, 2004 05:06 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
And the evaluation wasn't petty? I knew I could count on you to find something like that. :)
From: (Anonymous) Date: December 8th, 2004 05:15 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
Hi Nykii I'm sorry you had such bad news I think that they were wrong though it makes no sense It sucks to be dumped on for things that you supposeddly did wrong and were never asked to change I hope this finds you feeling better Josh
triggertrogger From: triggertrogger Date: December 8th, 2004 06:26 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
All I know is that's just about the complete opposite of -any- impression I've ever gotten from you...from the first time I knew you all the way up until now. Regardless of where you've been in your life, I've always found you very receptive to other people and always the best of listeners (I know...since I've quizzed your brain a few times on medical stuff that I'm sure you'd rather not be bugged on :P ).
Whatever the reasoning behind the eval and as crushing as it may feel to you, I'd say take it in, do what you can to find out -why- they said it, and then move on. Even the best people don't fit in everywhere. You can always find someplace that's going to be annoyed with you. It's just a bummer that it happened to be a place you wanted to stay at. Obviously, no words can really make -that- go away. But try to take comfort in the fact that everyone else that knows you can't believe they said that about you.
ecchikun From: ecchikun Date: December 8th, 2004 06:35 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
I have to emphasize what at least one other commenter has said - do find out what you can on this. I cannot believe this is the true overall impression they have of you. If there is something there, it's important that you know about it, so whatever your ultimate decision is, you know you've made it with correct and accurate information, and aren't left wondering and doubting.
lorriejharris From: lorriejharris Date: December 8th, 2004 03:12 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Is it possible that second one was supposed to be for someone else, and there was a mix-up? (Obviously I'm not in the medical profession). I mean is sounds so....wrong. Not like you at all.
From: silmaril Date: December 9th, 2004 04:20 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
God, I don't know how I managed to miss this on Tuesday.

I am sorry. I have read your later entry, and I am glad that you are feeling better now. I think mdrnprometheus called it in his comment above. That assessment is poisonous; you know you did not deserve that.

Best of luck when you go to talk to the person who put the evaluation together.
23 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word