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Beware the navel... - Nobody wears a white coat any more... — LiveJournal
...a tribute to becoming a doctor.
Beware the navel...
It was a lovely evening last night, O Best Beloved. Angel came down from home to go to the party being given by $hospital to advertise their residency programmes. We had nibble food - crab-stuffed mushrooms, sauerkraut and wurst, asparagus wrapped in ham, fruit and desserts, some kind of roast beef - and drink tickets that included wine. I got to talk to all of the residents from my Medicine Subinternship and I got to make some plans for the November month I will be spending with them. And I discussed Magic with N who is still freakin' hot. Angel says he looks like a young Jeff Goldblum. I'm not sure. It was a lovely party, though, and then we went to Wal-Mart where I picked up a copy of the Weekly World News and read it while Angel purchased our purchases.

There was an article about fat people coming to emergency rooms to have things extracted from their folds of fat. According to the WWN, O Best Beloved, this is a serious problem and most vexatious to the good insurance companies, who do not know how to pay for all these "Navel Explorations". Things such as dead hamsters, pocket change, forks, food particles, and mummified canaries can disappear into the pannus of fat and cause serious problems with abdominal pain. The WWN says that this is a pandemic assaulting our nation's emergency rooms.
I need a copy of this article to show my staff doctors. We are discussing it this morning.
My staff, unfortunately, does not recall ever performing a "navel exploration", although he recalls once in his residency being charged by a very large, obese man who was a former motorcycle gang member. This gentleman was covered in tattoos and running down the hallway completely naked when he produced a knife from the hidden recesses behind his pannus of fat. I suppose that counts.
This occasioned comment from a nurse-or-EMT nearby, who mentioned that once, here in this very emergency room, a morbidly obese nursing home resident was brought in for back pain. It was found on physical exam that the patient had been lying on an ink pen for so long that it was growing into his back. I suppose that counts, as well.
No other "navel explorations" have been elucidated from the staff. How sad; I am getting a substandard medical education due to my lack of exposure to this major and growing plague of emergency rooms. However, my staff, who is a very nice gentleman who listened quite carefully to my first case presentation of the morning (This is a 40-year-old diabetic gentleman who developed a boil on his back one week ago and has been poking it with pins to burst it, with little success. Today he woke up with a much larger sore area and his girlfriend suggested he might have a calcium deposit or other life-threatening condition, and to come in. Exam reveals a 3-4 centimeter cellulitic region on the right shoulder.), has promised that the very next patient with such a problem will be reserved just for me.
"Do you suppose," he asks me, "that the 'plague of the calcium deposits' will be next on the Weekly World News?" Nurse-or-EMT chimes in. "Millions of Americans with this deadly condition, next." Laughter. She turns back to her work. "I just know I'm watching out for the lethal navel from now on."

This has been a public service announcement.

now feeling:: giddy giddy

8 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word
pwwka From: pwwka Date: September 25th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
You know you're in the Midwest when kraut and wurst are placed alongside stuffed mushrooms and nibbly-fruit!

Here in the Mid-Atlantic, I've actually had to explain-- more than once-- what saurkraut is, that it doesn't really taste like rotten cabbage, and that one may use it as a topping for bratwurst (another explanation). Another disorder here is the vile tendency to put half a ton of sugar in one's iced tea. But I ought to be fair. Crab cakes and all...
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: September 25th, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Mmm, crabcakes. Yum. Considering the malpractice climate in the whole eastern US, I think the only thing that could draw me there would be the prospect of fresh seafood all the time.
And I'll have to second you on the whole vile idea of sweetened tea.
ellisande From: ellisande Date: September 25th, 2004 05:08 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
You yankees are strange, strange folks. Sweet tea is the only way to drink it!
tyomniye From: tyomniye Date: September 25th, 2004 09:11 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
mmmmm... sugar... must sweeten tea.. *noddles*
lakos From: lakos Date: September 25th, 2004 07:29 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
.... But you don't even drink iced tea, sweatened or no...
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: September 25th, 2004 07:41 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
It's even nastier sweet.
coanteen From: coanteen Date: September 29th, 2004 12:29 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
thank you for this public service announcement. since i too have never heard of this plague before, i've already received a substandard medical education. i feel (more) cheated (than before) ^__^
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: September 30th, 2004 01:27 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
It's a pandemic I tell you!
8 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word