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And in the line for chief complaint was written "Major Drama Queen"... - Nobody wears a white coat any more... — LiveJournal
...a tribute to becoming a doctor.
And in the line for chief complaint was written "Major Drama Queen"...
...Done. Called $doctor at $hospital today and had a $conversation. He doesn't have specific instances for me. He doesn't know. He did tell me that the comment came out of my gyn-onc rotation, in which I was quieter than usual from my recollection. He told me that one doctor gave me all 0's on my evaluation after I slept through his lecture. I begged him to convey my apologies. He told me that in the time he worked with me he saw nothing to complain about. He said that he didn't feel comfortable "just failing someone" which left the implication that it had been considered, and I tried to brush it aside as nonchalantly as he had said it. He repeated my evaluation comments back to me, trying to accentuate that apparently I'd just had a hard time. And he said he had asked his reviewers, in the future, to be more specific. We talked for five minutes before I said "thank you" and we made polite goodbyes. I said "thank you," because I didn't know what else to say, and because "thank you" is a phrase that one can manage around tears.
If there had been someone in that empty lobby of a psychiatry building where I took shelter from the wind to have my conversation - if there had been someone to hug me, I would have broken down and cried.
I cannot stand to fail.
I did the best I could to remind myself that things happen, to think about the way that I wasn't getting enough sleep, the fact that the rotation's structure simply didn't do well for me, to mentally review all of my other accomplishments (my Surgery evaluations praised me highly as empathic, organized, and knowledgable) in an attempt to offset this single rotation's bad evaluation. And I played about ten games of Spider Solitaire. I feel better now, and I have been saying that I wanted this whole thing to be done with.
I don't like the result; I'm still lost as to what horrible thing I was saying and doing. But I'm done.

The rest of today involved lectures on personality disorders, sitting around waiting for nothing to happen, seeing 0 patients, getting locked out of the inpatient psychiatry unit, and the best ever conversation between staff. "...yes, I know him....yes....a coat hanger?"
Seems the patient coughing up blood secondary to having three to ten knives in his stomach (don't look at me, he swallowed them) had a coat hanger removed from his small bowel last year. We spent ten minutes trying to figure out how one swallows a coat hanger.

No stories today; it's a lazy Monday and I'm being boring. Besides, I'm drained by this afternoon's conversation.

now feeling:: blank blank

18 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word
tyomniye From: tyomniye Date: May 10th, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)

*big hugs*

You're still my first choice as a doctor. You'll make it and you'll be wonderful, I know you will. :)
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:28 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)

Re: *big hugs*

Thanks much, hon. I'm getting by.
ryenna From: ryenna Date: May 10th, 2004 03:52 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Here, have a hug from someone who knows what it's like to get distressing anonymous comments with no reference points.

Thanks for telling me I'm doing something wrong... now would you liek to tell me what it is so I can stop?


And the answer of course is: One swallows a coat hanger by swallowing a coat.

ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:34 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Thanks. I keep asking now, if I'm saying anything wrong, and everyone keeps saying it's fine, so I guess I must've jsut rubbed someone the wrong way.

I think we decided he must've folded it up.
From: dr_bobbie Date: May 10th, 2004 04:47 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
::many big, long hugs:: I don't mind being cried on. Especially since reading you reminds me so much of myself. It sucks that so much depends on the impressions of just a few--sometimes, only one.

If you need to talk, you have my number. I'm online, too. <333
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:36 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
You're awesome, Bobbie.
mdrnprometheus From: mdrnprometheus Date: May 10th, 2004 06:49 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Illegitimi non carborundum.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 10th, 2004 07:42 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
(Margaret Atwood! Amen.)
mama0807 From: mama0807 Date: May 10th, 2004 10:55 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
*Hug* You're doing very well IMHO
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:35 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Thanks for the encouragement. I know overall this has been a good course, but I just don't deal with criticism well.
I'm probably a diagnosis, as they say.
From: sepuki Date: May 10th, 2004 11:35 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)

I dunno how much online consolation from an anonymous someone on the Internet will help, but you certainly have mine, hun.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:35 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
It does help. Sometimes I get to feeling awfully alone down here, and it's rewarding to know I'm not.
lorriejharris From: lorriejharris Date: May 11th, 2004 03:57 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
It seems to me that the people who gave you the bad evaluation don't see what many of us do...

I repeat the sentiment that another commenter made...I'd choose you for a Doctor in a heartbeat!

ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:37 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
Maybe it was a learning experience for someone in the future...whoever did the review might be asked for more clarification next time.

Thanks for the support! It means a lot.
fyrfitrmedic From: fyrfitrmedic Date: May 11th, 2004 07:56 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
I'd have no problem with you treating me or mine.
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:38 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
buggrit From: buggrit Date: May 11th, 2004 10:47 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
Oh sure. My shit starts looking up and yours goes in the toilet. >:( Isn't that just typical...

Don't sweat it. One has to occasionally fail to appreciate the successes. You'll be fine. :) Take it from one who knows. *hugs*
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: May 12th, 2004 05:38 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
*giggles* Had this vision of a little turd with eyes. "Hi, Andrea!"

Getting by. Good to see you're still around. Good luck!
18 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word