Come rain come down
Heaven's tears of mercy
Come a-runnin' down...
-- Kindling, "Rain Come Down"
It's a song we sang at NYC with the choir, and I got the CD because I loved the song so much. And today, it's raining.
Finished with my Medicine exam. Ran over to the med sci building to check my mailbox. Two evaluations, in familiar green paper. My OB-GYN and Anaesthesia grades are back.
Anaesthesia is an honors pass, better than I expected. I scored in the top 25% of the group on the final and had an excellent clinical performance. A small triumph, but a triumph nonetheless. And then I popped open the OB evaluation.
I expected to pass, maybe high-pass OB-GYN; I did better on the exam than I'd thought. Flipped open the paper. Pass. Straight down the middle of the sheet, circled 3's except for a 4 in Knowledge Base. Not what I expected when my resident who did my midterm evaluation had told me she thought I was wonderful, compassionate and professional, doing quite well with no glaring room for improvement - 3's are not what I expected but I'll live with it. Pages attached.
"Made very inappropriate comments to residents and nurses during her rotation; very unprofessional. Seemed enthusiastic at times; however at other times she slept through deliveries and lectures."I never slept through an entire lecture. I will take the knocks for drowsing in lectures, O Best Beloved, and I'll admit that unlike Scott I went to bed on my call nights, slept through a few deliveries - most of the time after the residents had told me nothing was likely to happen for a few hours. I didn't live at the nurses' station. Maybe I should've. Maybe it wouldn't've mattered. I don't mind those comments. What I mind are the words "inappropriate" and "unprofessional".
"It was clear at times that Nicole was a very bright student; however, her inappropriate behavior often overshadowed her positive attributes."
"Slept through entire lecture."
I worked with two very good residents doing most of my supervising, O Best Beloved; one gentle and sweet, one outspoken and opinionated, both very nice. Both told me they liked me, that they thought I was doing well. Nobody ever told me they thought I was doing anything wrong at all. And now I have evaluations - I'm almost certain that at least the first and the third came from faculty, not residents - that say I'm inappropriate and unprofessional. Evaluations, mind you, that are in diametric opposition to all the other evaluations I've gotten.
Word on the street is that it's not unusual to get reamed on OB-GYN evaluations...nonetheless, I feel a certain pang of discontent. I want an example. I want to know what I did wrong, and if I did nothing wrong I want to know that as well. I'm attempting to brush it off as faculty pissed-off that I slept through their lectures, but it still hurts.
I want to be a good doctor. More than that, I have the unreasonable but undeniable desire to make everyone like me. I was floating yesterday out of the office as my preceptor gave me a hug and promised that if there was anything I needed, recommendations, letters, anything, I was to call her, because she thought I was wonderful and would make an excellent doctor. High praise from a woman who I was privately informed was probably the best female internist in the region, and one of the best internists in the state. Very high praise.
And it means far more to me than the anonymous defamation of my character left behind by the OB-GYN's.
I just wish that defamation didn't sting so hard.