I whisper your name (ayradyss) wrote,
I whisper your name
ayradyss

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Is it Tuesday already?

Fear is starting to sink in, O Best Beloved.
Today is Tuesday. Dr. AO told me after lunch (he let me do an H&P this morning, after asking if I knew how to do them. I don't think he gets many third-years) that his afternoon patients were widely spaced, not that interesting, and then the new patient didn't show, so however long I wanted to hang around was fine with him, and I should go when I wanted to.
I wanted to get up and leave right friggin' then. I stayed until 2:45, when after an hour and three-quarters I'd done an entire chapter of PreTest questions on Nephrology and seen two patients. Then I came home, and now I'm doing another set of questions while getting the music collection updated with properly ripped and tagged MP3's. We mix them from the server to the downstairs stereo system, after all. If I can get studying done, then I will be able to get some packing done tonight. Whatever packing I get done tonight means I don't have to do it after I get done with Dr. MO tomorrow at noon. And then the day after tomorrow I leave from Dr. W's office and I go back down to Indy. And then the day after that, I take my exam at 0800.
I made macaroni and cheese as comfort food for lunch. I wasn't thinking and ate the whole box. Now my stomach feels like it's tied in a knot, and I'm ever-so-faintly nauseated by the thought of food, but I know I need something decent to eat eventually.
It's fear. I'm always sick before exams. It's even worse this time because I've spent a month at home, seeing my Angel every day, and I don't want to sleep alone again. There will be three months this time - neurology in April, psychiatry in May, radiology in June - before I get to come home for long. Although the calendar says our May rotation ends on the 21st, which gives me a 10-day break before 1 June when I start 4th year. Wonder how much stuff in Indy will take place that year? Three more months of seeing him on the weekends, calling and e-mailing whenever I can find a free moment to sneak in. (And I know, Bobbie, it could be a lot worse...) July will be vacation, August and September back to Indy.
I haven't been home for this long since last August, and I'm used to it now. Fear combines with misery, and I find it hard to study, thinking of going back there to my single-room apartment, my microwave meals in my tiny fridge.
I know I must, O Best Beloved. I have to finish what I started, and soon enough I'll be home for good. I'll be home, at least, for July, for the Boards. And I'll be home for good eventually. But O, Best Beloved, I am so tired already.
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