I whisper your name (ayradyss) wrote,
I whisper your name
ayradyss

  • Mood:

Have to share, have to share, have to share:

From the Teemings website with about a million different "if...wrote Lord of the Rings":

Sir Quest-A-Lot
by Epigramcracker
Hobbits Got Feet

[Enter Haldir and Arwen, having girltalk. They stare at Frodo.]

Haldir:
Oh my god, Arwen, look at his feet...
They are SO big.
He looks like one of those... Fellowship hobbits.
But who understands those Fellowship guys?
They only talk to him because he looks like a total halfling, okay?
[Backbeat starts]
I mean... his feet.
They’re just so big...
I can’t believe they’re so huge—
They’re just out there...
I mean, it’s gross!
He’s just so... HAIRY!

[Enter Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli (with the hobbits as backup dancers)]

Aragorn:
I like big FEET and I cannot lie,
You other brothers can't deny
When a hobbit walks in with an itty bitty ring
Yeah, the kind with the real bling-bling
You just know—
You’re gonna halfta go
Gotta fight that Sauron moFO—
I holler back to my brothers bout questing,
Looks like there just ain’t time for resting,
OH BABY, they call me a ranger
Yeah, I’m set for danger!
My homeboys dig feet too, ya’ll
And unlike some elves we don’t
Like feet too small!
Ooh—bring along the One Ring,
You say ya will destroy that thing—
Well choose me, use me, cuz ya have my sword so don’t lose me!

I've seen them questin'
The hell with protestin'
We’ll rip—this trip—get it goin' like a Balrog’s whip.

I'm tired of all them elves
Likin’ small feet for themselves—
Take the average human and he’ll repeat:
He gotta have big feet! SO
Fellas!

Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas: Yeah!

Aragorn:
Fellas!

Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas: Yeah!

Aragorn:
Have those halflings got the toes?

Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas: Hell yeah!

Aragorn:
Well, flaunt um, cruise um, jog um, use um, SHOW those hairy toes—
Hobbits got feet.

[Instrumental Break]

Boromir:
I like those feet real big
I’ll come along on this gig—
I just can't help myself
I'm actin’ like an animal
Now here's my scandal:

I wanna get that ring
And go—go-back-home—go!
Yeah, I’m talkin' bout Gondor
Cuz down there things are lookin’ like war!
I wanna take Isildur’s Bane back,
Just steal that ring on the double—
Boromir's in trouble
Don’t want my home to be rubble!
So I'm thinkin’ bout dreams that-I’ve-had,
Hearin’ these voices prophecyin’ bad—
Can’t ignore it no more,
The evil’s comin’ from Mordor.
A word to my Gondor homeboys,
We gotta face the noise,
War’s our only choice!
And I gotta be straight when I say we gotta fight
Til a new age DAWNS!
And with the One-Ring on
We could change the tune of this song.
Cuz those orcs, once they see it they’ll flee it—
And we’ll get to stay and play.
Cuz we’re men! And we’re in!
We’ll be rulin’ Middle Earth again!
So Frodo!

Frodo: Yeah?

Boromir: Frodo!

Frodo: Yeah?

Boromir: Just give me the ring and you can go-go!

Frodo: No!

Boromir:
Then I curse you!
Curse you all!
I’ll just think of how your feet aren’t small,
Hobbits got feet.

[Short music break]

Gimli (talking):
Yeah baby...
When it comes to hobbits...
The Shire ain’t got nothin’ on MY Fellowship.
Feet 15 by 5 inches? Heh heh.
Only if they’re 3’2”.

Legolas:
Othah elves, they see a star when
They behold the face of Arwen,
But Arwen ain't got her feet so well evolved (read Darwin!)!
This elf guy, he won’t go unless you got TOES, YO!
You can do pedicures or scrubbings, but please don't lose those feet!
Some brothers just can’t stand the smell, so
They tell you that the feet need to go—
So they toss um, and leave um,
And I breeze right in to retrieve um!
So Galadriel says they’re fat,
Well I ain't down with that!
Cuz your ankles are small and your feet are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To this mission-quest-thing, to destroy this ring,
Cuz it just ain’t right, That Thang!
Just send the halflings—they ain’t so baffling
Cute prizes at Elrond’s raffling!

Aragorn:
That knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz these hobbits weren’t on his list!
But I laid down my life to protect um,
Cuz those feet—they just make be respect um.

Boromir:
So hobbits, if you bring the ring—

Legolas:
And your feet are bout the size they call King—

Gimli:
Dial 1-900-Fellowship, and we’ll get right on this trip!

Aragorn:
Hobbits got feet.

All:
If yer smallah, give a hollah if you got big feet...
If yer smallah, give a hollah if you got big feet...
[Repeat and Fade]

I will never ever take Baby got Back the same way again.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 5 comments