November 1st, 2004

Nykki in White

I'd be delighted not to see you again.

...Patients say the darndest things.

I am lying on the couch in a familiarly empty apartment, watching a familiarly slow connection (2.6 KB/second downloading Firefox) because there is nothing but AOL dial-up and someone random's unsecured and decidedly flaky wireless network to count on here. I am considering the possibility of calling a local cable provider company and requesting one month's worth of cable internet access. The apartment has cable, it appears; all I would need (in theory) would be a cable modem and a provider to turn on cable internet to the place. Since I am only here for a month, cannot access the mailbox, and must not make alterations to my apartment, it seems to be the only possible way of getting any sort of decent connection here.
I want a decent connection.

Where have I been, O Best Beloved? I have been busy.

Staff sat down with me on Thursday morning, in response to a tentative "Can I ask a few questions?" Twenty minutes later, he got up, apologizing that he hadn't had more time to teach me. It was a moment of sheer pleasure in learning from a teacher who loves to teach. I have missed that so very much.

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But I am afraid of deciding where to go.

The weekend was spent at alythe and beowulfalive's Hallowe'en party (pictures available from indurate, here. I'm the one in the red and silver skirt in several pictures. Such as this one, where I am the girl on the left. But you should look at all of the pictures, because indurate is an excellent photographer.

Spent today in clinic; the residents are promising me that I will get to do colposcopies soon, rather than just watching.
We saw a girl, eighteen, with her very first Pap smear abnormal. Colposcopy showed vessels simmering outward from the transition zone; streaks of mosaic flesh under acetic acid arching like horns from the slashed-line opening of her cervix; betadine leaving a pale golden shadow against dark brown. Her Pap said low-grade. Staff was shaking her head before we even biopsied. High-grade, most likely; not cancer yet but certainly troublesome in a girl so young.
Biopsies hurt. Better than dying of cervical cancer, I suppose.

We left the room before I allowed myself to exclaim. "Wow!" There was subdued laughter. We all felt that way; there is a shame to being excited over another human's misfortune but when the opportunity to link learning to experience comes there is nothing you can do but be excited.

It is lonely here. I will interview tomorrow and then I will tell you about it, because my mind is beginning to ripple and twist and do I want to move? I am not certain. I do not know. There is something about this center, this hospital, that calls to me; there is a siren-song back home in Fort Wayne as well. I will learn wherever I go. I will make enough money to live on wherever I go.
Where do I go?
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    lonely lonely