June 25th, 2004

Nescafe rabbit

"You should've been a teacher."

Doctor, from Latin, "teacher", from docere, to teach. My parents are teachers. Good teachers.

Yesterday morning was the group project presentation. You can download and view our presentation here if you really want to. It's on Sports Injuries.
I don't normally work well in groups. I'm the kind of person who gets ulcers over whether or not the rest of the group is doing what they should, whether their presentation part will meld well with mine, whether someone else is going to make me get a bad grade. I'm the sort of person who really prefers to do everything herself. That way I know where to place the blame if it comes crashing down. I worked well with this group. We did our presentations and then I made them all into one, formatted, standardized, and then we rehearsed together. It was fun, we had a good time, and we got great presenting reviews from the presentation reviewer. Today we'll get student reviews and I hope they don't suck.

Tuesday and Thursday are the days I had to be in early this week, at 09:30. Every other day I've had until at least 12:30 before I had to be in. I haven't gone to Curves once. Monday I drove in from Fort Wayne. Tuesday I drove in from Fort Wayne. Wednesday I just didn't feel like it, and today I slept in instead.
I haven't felt like much of anything recently, at least not with a sustained enough drive to actually do it. Two nights in a row, now, I've gone out to the little Mexican restaurant down the road with my books and done questions there, just because there's only so much one can do in a Mexican restaurant. I have a ceaseless flirtation with doing everything and being interested in nothing at the moment; I will refresh the World of Warcraft forums every five minutes just to see if there's something I could answer, but I get bored of answering mid-sentence. I play WoW in the evenings because I find transient interest in it; it's pretty and I have to pay attention or I die. I do my reading (I've read everything but the Psychiatry section in the First Aid book) and I do my questions (400 down, I've finished the PreTest book, going to start on NMS questions next) and I should be nervous, or worried, because it would motivate me. I don't care. I'm blank and empty.
It's been two months since I did any real patient care; I haven't written an H&P since neurology in April. By the time I start my Medicine Sub-Internship, in which I must shine to get good letters of recommendation, it will have been three months since I did anything involving "real medicine". And the longer away from the field I am, the more I miss it. I'm glad I only have one month of vacation; I feel like I'm losing touch.

When did I know I needed to be a doctor? Now. My Angel will tell you, O Best Beloved, that when I am on a primary care rotation I come home energized and fulfilled. I laughed at him. He's right. The worst part about medical school is coming home to an empty room and an empty bed. Everything else I can handle. And I even miss the wards, to a certain degree. Even the five days of active Radiology, as eye-gougingly difficult as it is for me to maintain focus in a dark room with still pictures, even then I was better off than I am now, going to lectures and studying emptily.
I want a patient, someone who can make these things real to me. I can flag pancreatitis on an exam - alcoholic, chronic, acute, gallstone - not because I've studied it, but because alcoholic pancreatitis was our practise patient for the Medicine Intersession. Chronic pancreatitis was the girl with PCOS and hereditary hypertriglyceridemia who was 21 and in for her seventh bout of acute after a poorly-timed dinner of fried chicken. Gallstone acute pancreatitis was the Hispanic gentleman we never had a translator for, whose conversations were with me, in my extremely limited Spanish. "Te duele donde?" I know them because I have seen them, had to work through the differentials and ask the questions, been pimped and prodded for therapeutic options. I love it, every minute of it. I am fulfilled and energized.

I have been away two months; too long away.

There was a girl in the Mexican restaurant, a little girl with a 6-8 centimeter soft tissue mass on her chin. I wanted to ask her parents about it, to see what it was, to read about it. A little girl, real, so beautiful even with this large cylinder-like object dangling from her right mandible. I didn't; I'm sure they're tired of it.

No enjoyment for anything right now. I can't even work up excitement about seeing Angel tonight, although I'm certainly waiting in anticipation for it. I don't feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile, and I didn't understand how much it meant to me to be Doing Something instead of just doing something until I was Doing Something and had to stop. Maybe the hectic schedule in July will help things out - we'll have friends over on the 4th to watch the fireworks, I have Boards the 6th, Angel's dad is retiring from the Air Force on the 10th, and then the conferences the weekends of the 23rd and 30th. Maybe I'll go see what Habitat is doing in town and get out and work on something with my hands. Do Something.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
Cane Chinois

Well, that was ludicrous...

Went to lecture at 12:30. I got my student reviews and my professional evaluator reviews. Student reviews: average of 26.63/30. Evaluator reviews: 27/30. Got great marks for everything. Now I just have to write a 3-4 page (double spaced!) paper on how I worked within my group. It is to be a "reflective summary".

At 12:40 we decided the lecturer wasn't coming. So we left. I could've gone home last night and not missed anything but getting my packet. I drove home, listened to "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil", which makes for a stellar book-on-tape, and thought about Lily, because Georgia makes me think about Lily. I want her to listen to my book-on-tape and see what she thinks of the narration. And, of course, of the Georgia-Florida football game.

Got home and have done nothing since. Oh, my NMS Review for USMLE Step 2 is sitting right next to me, but it's virgin unopened still. Waiting for Angel to come home and pick me up for VBS so that we aren't taking three cars. Worrying too much about a lot of things, and not enough about the exam (why am I so indifferent toward one of the biggest exams of my life?) so I'm just waiting for the can't-eat pain and nausea of second-year to come back.
I threw up every day for the first two weeks of second year. I'm convinced I gave myself irritable bowel on top of it.

I've spent the last two hours talking, here at home, and generally feeling like staring into space is preferable to doing anything at all, although on the way home I noted how lovely it was out and resolved to go sit in the backyard and study.
Still no stories. I'll come up with something, I hope. This weekend promises to be busybusybusy.

Perhaps I am miserable, and that is why I am simultaneously dreading and anticipating having a houseful of people this evening. Misery, mes amis, loves company.
  • Current Mood
    blank ?