November 21st, 2003

Nescafe rabbit

Phone Post: Too much sleep and a drive in the morning...

VoicePost
779K 3:35
“It's been a long, long month, O Best Beloved. The days are flying by; I don't understand how it could seem so long.
Sitting in my car, ten 'till six in the morning, heading in for another day. I have lectures all morning. I'll probably be on the Labor Board...but I feel so empty right now. I need a vacation.
Broke down Wednesday night in a crying jag, because I don't know any of my friends any more. Almost did it again this morning, despite what my Lily said. I feel like everything I'm doing - all this time I'm devoting - seems to be evanescent. Nothing seems to really make a difference here, I mean - what am I doing that nobody else could do?
Frustrating, and sad, and maybe it's just six o'clock in the morning, and for once I've had too much sleep...but maybe I just need a break.
Thanksgiving I have four days off. You should have heard us (laughs): "They better damn well not try to make us come in on Saturday and Sunday, that's our vacation." We all need it.
But...it's more than that. I need time. Four days isn't enough. I need the weeks at Christmas. (sighs) And in discussions the other day, I discovered that my Christmas vacation doesn't start when I thought it did - it starts on the 24th. That's one shopping day before Christmas. Like hell I'm going to have any presents for anybody. I start Surgical Specialty a week before that.
It's crazy. It's miserable. And all I can do is keep going.
LaRusso's rules of residency, which he borrowed from someone else: "No matter what they give you, no matter how they beat you down, they can't turn back the clock." The problem is it ticks by...and I feel like I'm losing it.
I'll go into the hospital, I'll put on a smile, I'll be chipper and cheerful and I'll write my notes - my residents love my notes! They compliment me, all the time. My pager died yesterday, and I didn't get a page - Mary was so confused because "Nykki's always there. She's always ready to do things. Why isn't she answering her pages?"
It...where...it's such a dichotomy. And I don't know where it's coming from. I drive in, and...I put it on, and I <b>feel</b> it, I'm enthusiastic, I love what I'm doing - O Best Beloved, <i>please</i>, don't think that I don't love this. But right now it's...it's starting to wear on me, and I don't know how much more of it I can take right now without a break. And hopefully those four days at Thanksgiving will be enough.
I miss you guys, all of you. Everybody that I never see any more, except on Friday nights.
Five minutes. It's probably getting close to up. It feels like it. Besides, this is just getting maudlin.

Have a good day, O Best Beloved. I'll try.”

Transcribed by: ayradyss
White Coat

Daft. I'm friggin' daft.

(1) Forgot my evaluation sheets yesterday.
(2) Fell asleep in an interesting lecture today.
(3) Coming back from mentor meeting today, turned onto Capitol (N-S). From there I somehow acquired myself on New York (E-W) and didn't realise it until I was on the far E side of the city. Took so long to get back I didn't actually get here until just after two deliveries. So much for today.

On the other hand, I got to check my mailbox. P-notes for the spring, AMWA mentor assignment, Iatrogenesis (amasashi, and ishotkenney, if you want a snailmail copy e-mail an addy to ayradyss(at)livejournal.com and I'll send you one), and my grades for Paediatrics.

Honours Pass!


That's right, O Best Beloved. You can't do better than that. I'm so contented right now it almost makes up for my early-morning blues. Between that, indurate's comment (which made me grab a kleenex and cry good tears), and getting to see Angel tonight, I'm feeling much better than I was.

Also, we did well in clinic.

Now to figure out how to make my credit card miraculously return to where I thought it was. :P
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