August 27th, 2003

Nescafe rabbit

Stop my mind, please. I want to get off.

Quinby's parents called last night. They wanted to talk to me. Did they ever want to talk to me. And I did my best to be patient and understanding and listening and reasonable, and it was all going quite well - if exhausting - right up until the topic of my absences to Indy came up. They're not comfortable or happy with the situation. And they're specifically not comfortable or happy with two things:
1) They're concerned because their understanding is that I'm the one who has the deep emotional relationship with her. And so I'm going to be gone, and with this, that, and the other...they're afraid she'll be alone when she needs me. This is no different than it would be if I were here. I'm going to be working long hours through the winter, and those long hours make things crazy. And I think...I think, for once, that their concerns are overamped.
2) The appearance of things. Angel, who's 23, home alone night after night with Quin, 20. And he's a youth director, and what will our youth's parents think? They're certain that their church would never allow it. They don't want her to spend her life thinking that these kinds of situations are all right.
I understand the appearance issue. And at midnight, all I could say was "let me think on it and we'll see what we can do," because they have a valid point. And it's a valid concern. And I don't want Angel to get in shit for this, and I want Quin's parents to be able to accept and come to peace with it. And I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.

And this morning after the alarm went off I laid there and didn't sleep for half an hour, thinking. Trying to think. Trying to decide, to figure out what to say or do or be. My mind is stuck in circles, and I can't make it stop.

And dear God: You've never let me down, never given me a problem that I couldn't find the solution to. And I believe - I really do - that what we're doing is what we're supposed to do. So I guess, now, it's up to you. Give us the inspiration to find a key to this problem and help us do things according to your will. Because it's never let me down this far.

[Edit: I'm so bloody upset I forgot how old Angel was. How frickin' awful is that?]
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    worried worried
Nescafe rabbit

De profundis clamativi ad te, Domine!

I will cast all my cares upon You.
I will lay all of my burdens down at Your feet.
And any time I don't know what to do,
I will cast all my cares upon You.

I must've sung it twenty times in the car, on the way to the office this morning. And it helped. Made me feel better. Reminded me, as do your words, O Best Beloved, that I am far from alone. And that God has never let me down. I just have to live the life I'm called to live, rather than the easy life, the safe life, the alone and uncaring life.

In other news:
Got an appointment this afternoon with the doctor's office to make sure this lingering stuffy nose, cough, and congestion isn't a case of bronchitis or sinusitis that I need to be treating. Since Dr. TD is a little concerned, it having been going on for nearly three weeks now.
When I left the office, I was given a compliment that made me really glow inside. You're a very bright girl, Dr. TD says, and Dr. MD nods. You have a very solid grasp of what's going on. And then he got to the good part. My physical exam skills, I was told, are excellent for someone at my educational level. Both doctors were most impressed - especially, it seems, with my ability to pick up on subtle things. And my ear skills. And that was the thing that made me feel best: that they think I'm seeing and hearing and noticing the things that need to be seen and heard and noticed. That they think I'm doing - not just well, but superbly well. You look at ears better than a lot of the family practise residents do. Hallelu.

Stories later. Doctor's appointment now. Pineapple-orange Slim-Fast Soy is really damn good.
And I still love you, Quin, and I don't resent you, so stop thinking you're more trouble than you're worth.
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    determined determined