August 14th, 2003

Nescafe rabbit

Inspiration and perspiration: Paper moon

Angel woke me from a dream when he left this morning. This is all I can remember of it.

I killed someone today, Mama. I didn't mean to, but I did, and she died. I'd been carrying her since the days in the hospital, since the last time I got to see you, before Jake and Laura took me away to live in this trailer-park nowhere in the middle of the desert, before I had to tell people that I was living with my stepdad and his girlfriend. I made her up, made up an aunt who wanted me and loved me, who wouldn't beat me or scream at me. I made her up and wrote her down, everything about her, on an imaginary street in an imaginary city, in the grand old state of California, because I remember I used to love it when we lived there.
And I killed her today, Mama. I lost my grip on her when Jake grabbed my arm and smacked my face for talking to a boy, and I ran off to hide until I knew he wouldn't kill me. I was sitting in a tree, looking at the paper, and I lost her. She blew out of my hands and into the river, and she drowned. The ink melted off of her name, and her address, and the paper swirled around and soaked through and went under, before I could do anything at all.
And I don't remember any more, Mama. I don't remember who she was or where she lived, and all I can see when I think of her is that muddy river pulling her under, taking her apart. She was the only friend I had, Mama. Jake says I'm too good for the other kids here, so he won't let me talk to them, but they dress me up like all of them, so the good girls, the real girls, the ones with a future like I used to have, they don't talk to me either. And now I killed my friend.
What am I going to do, Mama? Why didn't you take me with you when you died?

Now I think I'm going to get a little more sleep.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy
Nescafe rabbit


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Welcome to freakachu420, who complimented my flame and warranted a reading of her journal, which I then found to be enlightening and interesting and not a bit annoying; and to ceransx, who suckered me in with the auld "friends-only" trick.

I've decided to go shopping with my Lily this afternoon, assuming she doesn't sleep in, plead another headache, or get distracted and show up so late as to make going shopping a pointless endeavour. I need more khakis, preferably ones that won't wrinkle, and maybe another couple pairs of not-all-cotton pants. I also need some time with her, time to talk and time to listen. Why not use my unexpected boon of days off to maybe connect with a friend or two, instead of hearing everything secondhand from my husband? I'm a little envious of his gifts sometimes, more than a little. I wish I felt like I could do half as much good as he does. It's never enough for me to be able to mend the physical; I want to heal the mental too.

Showered, cleaned the bathroom counters, and went through all my memories and history, digging the poems out of them. There aren't as many as I'd like, and none for such a very long time now. I comfort myself by knowing that there's plenty of prose generated in that time, and that despite my overwhelming bitchiness in the last two years, I did come up with some stuff.
Am closing Inchworm as of the beginning of this school year, trying to decide what to call the next volume of poetry. Which means, eventually, that I'll turn over bound copies of it to the people who want them. (And if you want one, tell me. I'll send you one.)

Got a call back from the good doctors D&D. I'll come in on Monday, as I begged illness to get tomorrow off. Casual dress, no white coat, see you at nine. Sounds good.

And for now, I think I'll put some clothes on, get some food, and wait for my Lily to appear again. Maybe sleep some more. I still feel tired.
  • Current Mood
    okay okay
Nescafe rabbit

A curious scheme...

I'm sure you've all heard about the MSBlaster worm by now. I'm sure you've all heard people complaining because the patch has been out for almost a month and people should've applied it by now.
Did you hear that Microsoft never released a patch for NT 4.0, because they no longer support it? Anyone out there running NT 4.0, while vulnerable, has no recourse but to upgrade or find a different system.
I wonder if that's a very large population...or whether that population's DoS against will affect Microsoft. Curious.

In case you need the info on how to remove MSBlaster: You can find it at Symantec's webpage.

Think I'm done spamming now.
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical