July 14th, 2003

Nescafe rabbit

"Is that your happy face or your horny face?"

...I'll tell you later.

Firefest was good. V. good. Will have pictures and movies posted soon. Jorath ripped part of my thumbnail off with a kendo stick shortly into the afternoon, which put an end to me sparring, but I wiped the blood off, put it back together, and cut my nail short to avoid snagging it, so now I'm more or less healed.
They let me set off a couple of fireworks, big ones. Was exciting to do it, much enjoyment was had. But mostly, it was just the show and getting to see people I didn't know without my introvert kicking in...which it did about 2 or 3 AM, when I didn't want to be around people any more. So I made everyone go home. I'd warned them in advance.
Pictures (I've resized them down to a more reasonable resolution, y'all) can be found here.

Bri and Jefe went back on Sunday to help clean up and hang out. Angel and I went to see LXG (really not bad, and a lot of literary fun, not to mention the trailer for Haunted Mansion at the front) and have dinner, as he works 9-6 today and I work 2-10, and it's our anniversary. So we had a good time yesterday instead. Close enough. And I have plans to make later on this week, too.

Got up this morning and scanned through my scrollback. Dash'd logged Nicholai and Andrique on. Felt a quiet twisting of frustration and jealousy that he only ever seems to want to RP with Lily any more, and that he has all of her characters tied up and unavailable, so I can't play.
Hell, who am I kidding, I'm frustrated and annoyed as hell that the only people who seem to be around and want to roleplay there are Ryken and Angel. I'm tired of the same thing over and over, without variation. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl cocoon their characters - half the time all of them that exist - into a series of private little tete-a-tetes that tie up and eliminate any chance of involving anyone else. And then they stay there forever, and nothing ever happens. I'm exhausted by it, and if Arcana weren't the main means of communication for our group around here, I might just quit playing completely. It's not like anyone would actually miss me.
I feel like a secondhand book today; something everyone just passes around to get it off their hands. Everyone's better for everyone else than me; all I do is get in the way, bitch and fight and feel sorry for myself. Nobody talks to me or looks for me for help - I've lost the empathy and the ability to say the right things somewhere along the way; when I lost my mysticism and my tangible, anchoring connection to the divine. I don't know where they went, somewhere along the way when I stopped writing and stopped reading and started studying all the fucking time. Somewhere along the way when I forgot to walk the shadow path that used to maintain me and stepped off into the daylight and the brightside.
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I don't feel as real, as connected. I don't feel like I know anyone at all. It's funny, as I hear each one of my friends saying that they just feel tolerated...and I respond, and I deny it, and I know it's true because I need them so...and now I'm saying the same thing, and I'll get the same responses, and I won't believe them because I can't feel the connections, the philotic web, if you will, like I used to. And I don't like it. I want it back. I want to meet people and know them, because of the images that spring into my mind, patterns and colours and shapes that modulate with their voice and their actions but have never led me wrong and have always proved me true. I want to feel the soft touch of the divine taking over my voice and my hands, moving me - moving me - and never failing to give me reason to believe that I do not have to know what to say; it will be given to me. I used to. Where did it go?
If this is growing up, I don't want to. I feel like Peter, not just losing the brilliance and the wonder, but forgetting it, forgetting how I achieved it and not knowing how to get back. And yet I know there is a way, as long as I know the Shadowlands, as long as I remember the feeling of that knife's edge between oblivion and despair. I know it. I know I was there, not so long ago, and I will find it again.
But what do I do? Where do I go?
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent
Nescafe rabbit

A whole freakin' patient!

I had a patient all to myself today. When people asked who was the doctor responsible for the patient in Room X, I got to say "She's mine." I got to call the neurologist, Dr. S, and consult with her on what to do with P. I got to write an order for an MRI and bloodwork. And I got to bitch and moan because she was a total nutcase with a touch of postpartum depression who thinks she's dying. But she was my fucking patient!
Dr. E pulled her chart out, handed it to me. "Go take a look, see what you think." I came back and reported on reflexes and strength, and he quirked a brow. Said it didn't make sense. He went along, did the Rhomberg test on her and a few other things, and then handed me the chart. "She's all yours. We'll move her MRI up and when it's scheduled, call her neurologist and see what she wants us to do." And there I am with a chart. Write me an order, please, says D on the desk. It dawns on me that I don't know what we're MRI'ing. So I grabbed the PA on duty, asked him. Just the head? Sure, sounds right. So I wrote MRI head in the blank and put it in the queue.
Told the girl on the desk I needed Dr. S on the line. She got her for me, a couple hours later. "I'm Nykki, a third-year medical student on rotation here in the ER, and I've got a patient of yours here, P. We're going to move her MRI up and wondered what else you wanted done." Well, let's do the standard bloodwork...and then she went through it, just in case, I think. So I marked up the order again and handed it over. And I stuck my head in to give her the reports and let her know what was going on, and after Dr. E saw her briefly, I was the only person to talk to her. Went over her chart with the docs and was given the go-ahead.
Finally discharged her with a completely normal workup ten minutes before I left. Go follow up with your family doctor. Was just...very empowering.

Mitigated by failing to diagnose ringworm + impetigo on a wrestler and not realising that a little kid with an elevated alk-phos is normal. Can't win them all. I did get pyloric stenosis in my differential of the kid who had it.
Paediatric surgeon came in and needed stitching up. He'd dropped a rock on his finger working on his rock garden. "I've got surgery at 6, can we expedite X-rays?"
Two drunks today, one with a BAC of 0.359 at first measurement, the other refusing all treatment. And a diabetic who got happy with the insulin or something, blood sugar of 28. It was a bit of a looney bin today.
Met Dr. U, who's neatospiff, and followed Dr. B around. I'm beginning to get a feel for things, although forgetting my stethoscope is a Bad Thing. I had a suck-ass loaner.
Saw J today, the EMT who took me on my ridealong. He's still working the same shift, we chatted a bit, he said I should come back again. He was fun.
Feeling much better than I was this morning. Thinking I should go to bed relatively early, as I'm due back into the ED at 8 AM.
  • Current Mood
    good good