“It's been a long, long month, O Best Beloved. The days are flying by; I don't understand how it could seem so long.
Sitting in my car, ten 'till six in the morning, heading in for another day. I have lectures all morning. I'll probably be on the Labor Board...but I feel so empty right now. I need a vacation.
Broke down Wednesday night in a crying jag, because I don't know any of my friends any more. Almost did it again this morning, despite what my Lily said. I feel like everything I'm doing - all this time I'm devoting - seems to be evanescent. Nothing seems to really make a difference here, I mean - what am I doing that nobody else could do?
Frustrating, and sad, and maybe it's just six o'clock in the morning, and for once I've had too much sleep...but maybe I just need a break.
Thanksgiving I have four days off. You should have heard us (laughs): "They better damn well not try to make us come in on Saturday and Sunday, that's our vacation." We all need it.
But...it's more than that. I need time. Four days isn't enough. I need the weeks at Christmas. (sighs) And in discussions the other day, I discovered that my Christmas vacation doesn't start when I thought it did - it starts on the 24th. That's one shopping day before Christmas. Like hell I'm going to have any presents for anybody. I start Surgical Specialty a week before that.
It's crazy. It's miserable. And all I can do is keep going.
LaRusso's rules of residency, which he borrowed from someone else: "No matter what they give you, no matter how they beat you down, they can't turn back the clock." The problem is it ticks by...and I feel like I'm losing it.
I'll go into the hospital, I'll put on a smile, I'll be chipper and cheerful and I'll write my notes - my residents love my notes! They compliment me, all the time. My pager died yesterday, and I didn't get a page - Mary was so confused because "Nykki's always there. She's always ready to do things. Why isn't she answering her pages?"
It...where...it's such a dichotomy. And I don't know where it's coming from. I drive in, and...I put it on, and I <b>feel</b> it, I'm enthusiastic, I love what I'm doing - O Best Beloved, <i>please</i>, don't think that I don't love this. But right now it's...it's starting to wear on me, and I don't know how much more of it I can take right now without a break. And hopefully those four days at Thanksgiving will be enough.
I miss you guys, all of you. Everybody that I never see any more, except on Friday nights.
Five minutes. It's probably getting close to up. It feels like it. Besides, this is just getting maudlin.