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"Is that your happy face or your horny face?" - Nobody wears a white coat any more...
...a tribute to becoming a doctor.
ayradyss
ayradyss
"Is that your happy face or your horny face?"
...I'll tell you later.

Firefest was good. V. good. Will have pictures and movies posted soon. Jorath ripped part of my thumbnail off with a kendo stick shortly into the afternoon, which put an end to me sparring, but I wiped the blood off, put it back together, and cut my nail short to avoid snagging it, so now I'm more or less healed.
They let me set off a couple of fireworks, big ones. Was exciting to do it, much enjoyment was had. But mostly, it was just the show and getting to see people I didn't know without my introvert kicking in...which it did about 2 or 3 AM, when I didn't want to be around people any more. So I made everyone go home. I'd warned them in advance.
Pictures (I've resized them down to a more reasonable resolution, y'all) can be found here.

Bri and Jefe went back on Sunday to help clean up and hang out. Angel and I went to see LXG (really not bad, and a lot of literary fun, not to mention the trailer for Haunted Mansion at the front) and have dinner, as he works 9-6 today and I work 2-10, and it's our anniversary. So we had a good time yesterday instead. Close enough. And I have plans to make later on this week, too.

Got up this morning and scanned through my scrollback. Dash'd logged Nicholai and Andrique on. Felt a quiet twisting of frustration and jealousy that he only ever seems to want to RP with Lily any more, and that he has all of her characters tied up and unavailable, so I can't play.
Hell, who am I kidding, I'm frustrated and annoyed as hell that the only people who seem to be around and want to roleplay there are Ryken and Angel. I'm tired of the same thing over and over, without variation. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl cocoon their characters - half the time all of them that exist - into a series of private little tete-a-tetes that tie up and eliminate any chance of involving anyone else. And then they stay there forever, and nothing ever happens. I'm exhausted by it, and if Arcana weren't the main means of communication for our group around here, I might just quit playing completely. It's not like anyone would actually miss me.
I feel like a secondhand book today; something everyone just passes around to get it off their hands. Everyone's better for everyone else than me; all I do is get in the way, bitch and fight and feel sorry for myself. Nobody talks to me or looks for me for help - I've lost the empathy and the ability to say the right things somewhere along the way; when I lost my mysticism and my tangible, anchoring connection to the divine. I don't know where they went, somewhere along the way when I stopped writing and stopped reading and started studying all the fucking time. Somewhere along the way when I forgot to walk the shadow path that used to maintain me and stepped off into the daylight and the brightside.

On either side the darkness flies
One side is day, the other night
And young I am
In these Shadowlands

The dawn and dusk at brilliance full
Here life and death have even pulls
When down I go
Where Shadows know

This twilight world is but a line
The road I seek is faint and fine
I walk at last
The Shadowpath

The nightside on my right is full
Of haunting creatures, hunting ghouls
I shy away
From Shadows’ play

The dayside on my left is rife
With birdsong and the call of life
I look to right
Curse Shadowlight

And tread the path the Shadows do
‘Tween dark and night where all is true
And lonely stand
In the Shadowlands.
NsK 5-9-95 "Walking in the Shadowlands"

I don't feel as real, as connected. I don't feel like I know anyone at all. It's funny, as I hear each one of my friends saying that they just feel tolerated...and I respond, and I deny it, and I know it's true because I need them so...and now I'm saying the same thing, and I'll get the same responses, and I won't believe them because I can't feel the connections, the philotic web, if you will, like I used to. And I don't like it. I want it back. I want to meet people and know them, because of the images that spring into my mind, patterns and colours and shapes that modulate with their voice and their actions but have never led me wrong and have always proved me true. I want to feel the soft touch of the divine taking over my voice and my hands, moving me - moving me - and never failing to give me reason to believe that I do not have to know what to say; it will be given to me. I used to. Where did it go?
If this is growing up, I don't want to. I feel like Peter, not just losing the brilliance and the wonder, but forgetting it, forgetting how I achieved it and not knowing how to get back. And yet I know there is a way, as long as I know the Shadowlands, as long as I remember the feeling of that knife's edge between oblivion and despair. I know it. I know I was there, not so long ago, and I will find it again.
But what do I do? Where do I go?

now feeling:: discontent discontent

6 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word
Comments
lakos From: lakos Date: July 14th, 2003 08:01 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
My love, we'll search together. Part of me misses my mysticism. Another part knows it's still there, just silenced by the sheen of technology and the 'real world'. Perhaps I was at DiB a bit too long. I am always here beside you and we'll work this together.

quinby From: quinby Date: July 14th, 2003 08:29 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
(hugs you tight) I know exactly what you mean. It's rather ironic that you mentioned the philotic web. I've been thinking about that myself lately. I feel so far from everyone, so distant, both physically and mentally/emotionally. As to divine connections, well, I can totally understand that, too. I've always known what I should do, always just known how I should act/where I should go in a situation. However, as of late, I can't see a way to go, I can't see what I should do. It's really scary. So, well, I guess all of that was to simply tell you that you're not alone, and you are loved, and knowing that you're there, and I do have a home to go to keeps me going many-a-day. I love you, Nykki. You're the big sister, and family that I've never had.
kawaiiguy From: kawaiiguy Date: July 14th, 2003 09:08 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
o.o? *confused about subject*
ayradyss From: ayradyss Date: July 14th, 2003 09:34 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
It's from The Tuxedo, right near the end.
Decent movie, if you like Jackie Chan :)
From: dr_bobbie Date: July 14th, 2003 11:41 am (UTC) (etched in stone)
I know exactly what you're feeling...reading this entry is like taking a trip in my own mind.

Be selfish. That's my advice. Not to the discontent of others...but do what you want to do. To hell with everyone else. Molding yourself to accomodate the expectations of others...I think that is what finally kills the child within us all.
daimones From: daimones Date: July 14th, 2003 12:30 pm (UTC) (etched in stone)
You want to work my hours, and we can rp more. It's not personal, I promise.

And growing up sucks.

Maybe we're all going through the same mid-life crisis because of our little philotic web...

I've a dozen reasons and thoughs, none of them to share here. None of them perhaps any better than excuses for what's happened.

We'll find ourselves. All we need is Love...
6 whispers echo . o O ( ... ) O o . whisper a word