- Me: Jeff, you are not allowed to flame better than the gay boy.
- Me: I want my character sheet!
Erica: I want a hug. We all have problems.
- Jefe: Can I have skills please?
- GM: Johann will be with you shortly.
Erica: We're in a Swedish town, apparently.
GM: Eh, 'oser...(beat) oh, wait. That's Canadian.
- Me: Former shiner.
Mike: She lost the fez.
- Bri: 5'9", 105 lbs.
Me: 5'9", 110. It's the cup size.
Jefe: They're a cup size apart. Me, I have no cup size. I wear a cup.
- James: He looks sturdy for an elf.
James: Dwarf. Be a fuck of a sturdy elf.
- GM: Our page Jeremy will take you to the sewers, and run any errands you need done. Last will and testament, that sort.
- The pizza order, written on the whiteboard: 1 lg. grilled chicken alfredo. 1 large extra-cheese, 1 large pepperoni, 2 orders cheesesticks, oral sex.
- Me: Can I buy a rock with Continual Light cast on it?
Mike: I can do the casting.
Me: I have a rock.
Mike: What do I get for it?
Me: I don't have much to offer.
Mike: How about services?
Me: Define "services".
Mike: I'm lonely...
Me: I think I'll go buy a rock.
Mike: You go do that.
- GM: Nykki, you would recognise these as ghouls. (he reads a description)
Erica: Oh, they're concentration camp victims...
- Jefe: Do I need real weapons to hurt them, or can I just pound them into submission?
- Me (We're in single file, behind the monk. who's the only one seeing any combat action.): I poke the person in front of me lightly in the back with my rapiers. "Pass it on."
- GM: The bard begins to sing...
Jefe: La, la-la...
GM: Only better than that.
Me: And in a higher key.
Mike: It's the butch lesbian bard of the group...
- Erica: I think I'm going to poke the dwarf in the back, because the bard is singing in my ear.
- Jefe: The butch lesbian wants to see the dwarf go between the monk's legs...
Bri: I am not a butch lesbian. It's my character...
- Jefe: That's just the way it is, Glittertits.
- James: I don't care about pushing him out of the way. I'm strong and I'm small, I'll push him the fuck down.
Erica: You could bite his kneecaps...
- Me: Next tunnel, I'm in front.
James: No, I'm in front.
Mike: Yeah, because the normal people can reach over your head.
- GM: And the ghoul goes into the tunnel after the dwarf... (rolls)...and gets stuck.
Erica: It's a fat ghoul.
GM: I wasn't this big in life...
- James: I can look at it and it goes squoosh.
GM: Unless you roll a 1.
James (rolls and looks at dice): Shut up.
- GM: I'm shorting the dwarf.
- GM: If it's made to slash—
- Mike (at the back of the line): I don't suppose there's any way I can get a clear shot with a crossbow from here?
GM: Define "clear shot".
- Me: I'm behind the dwarf. Am I second or third?
Someone: Because the monk's determined to die.
Jefe: Yes. Yes, he is. (Note: He did, later.)
- Erica: I'm sorry, the fighter is lazy.
- Jefe: I'm going after that which stinks, because it offends me.
- Jefe: I'm immune to diseases. Except magic ones.
GM: Lycanthropy. Mummy rot.
GM: Gonorrhoea +1.
- Jefe: You know, high-level monks can whore like nobody's business.
- Someone: Can she sing and hit him?
Jefe: You will get backhanded in key.
- Jefe: Why are elves immune to this form of paralysis?
GM: Because it says so in the book.
- Erica: Are we all still stuck in this damn tube?
GM: Yes, except Jeff.
Jefe: I'm paralysed.
Erica: You're busy being gimpy now.
- GM: You have to tap them with your wand. It's touch.
Mike (gestures obscenely): Wooh! Woooh!
Jefe: Do not anal rape the monk.
Mike: You're paralysed, what can you do about it?
- Erica: It (the ghast) looks gimpy.
GM: They looked gimpy to begin with.
Erica: It's a side effect of being undead.
- GM: Make me a Fort save, DC 15.
Jefe: Stab, stab, stab-stab-stab-vomit.
- Bri: I'm going to cast a spell.
GM: What kind of spell?
Bri: You would ask that, wouldn't you?
- Me: If you have more than one nose, do you take a penalty to your Fort save?
- Me: Bri is my butch lesbian stunt double today.
GM: I missed something while I was paying attention to the game...
- GM: ...plus a d6 for the flaming.
Jefe: Because being a gay man is worth a d6.
- Mike: Isn't a holy flaming sword a contradiction in terms?
GM: It's a very open church.
- James: Bri, is Jeff's ass as squeezable as it looks?
- James: Not a three again...(rolls) Fuckin' son of a bitch...it's a three.
GM: Use a different die.
James: I did.
GM: You still drop it.
- Mike: Holy shit, I hit something. Bet that surprised the hell out of it.
GM: Pretty much.
Mike: The mage hit it. Max damage, too.
- Erica: Are you really supposed to be clawing at the guy's head like that?
- Me: Then I yank the stick out of my ass and thank the monk.
GM: Spank the monk?
- Me: Fifteen.
GM: I don't believe this. The zombies go before all of you except Bri.
- Erica: You people are enjoying your cleavage, aren't you?
Mike: Cleavage was meant to be enjoyed.
- GM: You land in a lake.
Me: How big is the lake?
Mike: How deep is the lake?
Erica: Can anyone else swim?
- Jefe: The monk's first priority is to get to the shore, where the big snake is not. See, he has priorities. Life - booty. Life - booty.
- Jefe: I go, "That's a damn big snake. Move!"
- Me: Do you have knowledge: water rescue?
- GM: You're now down to four flailing zombies.
Me (singing): Four flailing zombies, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a necromancer in a pear tree.
Amended by Jefe to "french elves" and "turtle dwarves".
- GM: The Cavalier next to you starts to drown.
Bri: I dive in after her, because it'll make me look better in the tale. (rolls) Or I'll join her. "Hey, looks like fun."
- James: I know you can heal now.
Mike: It depends on if I want to.
James: I'm going to tell you to stand behind me and tap me in the ass with that wand while I kill it.
- Me: What's permanently sealed shut? Its ass?
GM: Its eyes. Its eyes are sealed shut.
- James: Can I just sink to the bottom and take the two steps it would take to get me to breathing area?
- Jefe (to Bri): I'm just going to forbid you to wear clothes when you're over here.
- GM: Does a 20 hit you?
Jefe (cringing): No? ...Yes. Can I deflect arrow? (note that it's a Cave Wyrm attacking)
GM: That'd be like deflecting a ballista.
- Me: I continue to swear at it in Elven.
Jefe: Your mother was an earthworm.
Erica: And your father smelt of elderberries.
- Mike: I have rope.
Me: I have rope too.
A chorus of "I have rope too."
Mike: We're the bondage party.
- Mike: I'm a half-thrykreen.
GM: What's the other half?
James: My, your skin's looking awful chitinous today.
- GM: These are bronze doors, bowing outward, and there's a tiny trickle of water seeping out from them.
Everyone: We go the other way.
- Me: 25.
GM: Go. (We roll, hit, roll.)
Jefe: 31 damage.
Me: 31 damage.
GM: You...drop them both. That was anticlimactic.
- Mike: Cast Enlarge and Grease and go at it.
- Me: Ain't no bitch-ass skeletons hittin' me...
- Jefe (clutching his toe): Owwww!
Me: Did I do that?
Me (quietly): Sorry.
- Jefe: I am a bashing weapon.
- Mike: So how's that skeleton look?
GM: Pretty dinged up.
Mike: For a skeleton?
GM: For a skeleton.
- Jefe (to Erica): Now would be a good time to do that Whirlwind Attack.
- Jefe: I will pull the sword out of the dessicated corpse.
Erica: You wash your hands after you do that.
- Me: I do the holy people dance.
- Jefe: Dude, I didn't just die, I gruesome-died!
- Jefe: Oh, Jesus God. Those aren't toes...
Jefe: I know!
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