Jefe: I know that said Getting Dad but it looked like it said "getting laid." Lily: That's because you have sex on your mind. Jefe: No I don't. Lily: Yes you do, all the time. Jefe: No I don't. Lily: Yes, you do. Jefe: I'm a passionate person! I don't have sex on the mind all the time. Me: Write that down. All of it.
Me: I'm going to note that this adventure is supposed to take 3 to 4 hours.
Me: I need someone to be a plot whore. Who wants to be my plot whore today? General chorus of volunteers. Me: You can't. Phloxin: Then why'd you ask?! General disgruntlement. Me: Let me put it this way. (points at Lily) You're my plot bitch. Lily: Okay.
Lily: Usual greetings, pleasantries. That sort of thing. I need your help.
Angel: I'm blowing a flask. Everyone stares. Angel: Glass blowing.
Angel: He's not the only gnome in Mome? Me: No, he's not the only mo-..gnome in Mome. Jefe: I'm not writing that.
Angel and Phloxin (singing, to the tune of "Manamina", or whatever that Muppets song is): Gnomini, do-doo-da-doo-do. Gnomini, do-doo-do-do!
Lily: Something has come up. Angel: That's nice.
Lily: I'm going to do something useful...like...cover my ears.
Phloxin: I go hide my cat somewhere not even the GM can find him.
Angel: Trap! —Errh, Crap, I tripped. On the caravan.
Jefe: So. I hail you. "Hail." Phloxin: What up, monkey?
Phloxin: Damn, we're fast. Me: You're on foot. Jorath: And dog. Me: And dog. He has two ratty-ass, beat up, hand-me-down, Salvation Army mules.
Jefe: Nykki, you need to get one of those jobs where you make noises for movies with your own body parts and random implements...
Me: He starts to build a little...uh... Chorus of suggestions: "Tent", "palisade", "Fire..." Me: Fire. Yeah. Or a penis.
Angel: Fake pot? Me: Yes, he has a huge-ass sack of oregano. Phloxin, Jefe: That's one spicy meatball!
Angel: I have breakfast. Me: What are you having? Angel: Vampiric mule. Spiced with oregano.
Jefe: We are not eating human. Phloxin: We are not eating Cuban?
Me:Why? Jefe: There is only do or do not.
Jefe: That's one of the 1001 ways to castrate a man. Me: I thought you were going to say "Eat my Jizz". Angel (who works for a company whose clientele includes a number of "adult video stores", one of which sells the above title): I dunno, one of the popular ones is "100% Girls". Me: As opposed to 95% girls and 5% sheep?!
Angel: Where are you going? Lily (looking at me): Ahem. Me (frantically flipping papers): Laendersburg. (Pronounced "Lay-enders-burg") A chorus of "Lay en de burg?" "Lady's Burg?"
Phloxin: I'm not trying to lift anything off of anyone. Jefe: Unfortunately, nobody believes in your new-found goodness.
Me: He stakes his mules. Angel: Are they evil undead mules? Me: They graze on the blood soaked ground. Angel: We're not camping here.
Me: I heard titsy. Is that the feminine version of ballsy?
Lily: Quit being a target. Jefe: That's like "quit being a tool". It's just not going to happen.
Angel: I'm going to boff the DM, okay? James: I thought you already did that? Phloxin: Blah, blah, blah.
Jefe (running over to hit Goblins, rolls) Uh. Never mind. Me: What, you're going to run over there and whiff? Jefe: Yeah. Angel: Remember, goblins are short.
Me, after Angel arrives one round later and misses the goblins twice: Remember, goblins are short.
Phloxin (after maintaining positive hit points throughout a battle, for what is only the second time): I DIDN'T DIE!
Angel: I remember the days when orcs were stupid. Me: Are you reminiscing? I can up his hit points...
Eric: This is why I don't play with toys. Jefe: It's very easy to not get a dildo lost in your anus.
Me: The paladin is carrying a limp gnome. Angel: A lymph node?
Me: The mules are also alive. OH! I heard the funniest story today...
Me: Eric, what are you doing? Phloxin (scampering for the bathroom): I am going to aim a crossbow bolt, get a Kleenex, and fire it. Angel: In that order.
Angel: I miss. Phloxin: Take a drink. Me: Oooh, D&D drinking games...
Me: One wagon, two vampiric mules, and a dead proprietor with coals for eyes. Phloxin: It's Frosty the gnome-man!
Angel: What time is it? Me: Dark.
Phloxin: I name them (the mules). Me: What do you name them, Left and Right? Phloxin: No, Bert and Ernie.
Angel: If you cannot identify the quote, it is probably from Random Williams. (pauses) Robin. Robin Williams.
Angel: I cast Trace Without Path?
Me: One set of small-sized studded leather armour, one shitty-ass short sword, and one crossbow of Plot Device. Phloxin: I take the crossbow. Any quarrels? Me: No. It's a crossbow of Plot Device.
Me: Four sets of small-sized studded leather armour, four shitty-ass short swords - Jefe: Short swords of plot device. Me: And four soiled leather thongs.
Me: Three vials of ink. Angel, Jorath, and Phloxin: Oooh, ink! Jorath (to Phloxin): Why are you so excited?
Phloxin: And the wolf goes (effeminately, limp-wristed): "Get that sword out of my neck, grr."
Me: You feel a brief premonition of doom, which then quickly fades. Phloxin (a la Gir): Doom-de-doom-doom-doom-ooh, never mind.
Angel: Somebody hit the orc. Phloxin: That would be me. Angel: You're an orc? Phloxin: No, I hit the orc. Angel: Whew. Phloxin (mind, Phloxin and Angel are playing twins): Surprise, dear sister...
Phloxin: It's the belly button of the house! Get out of it!
Me: Okay, maybe "simple combat scene" was a mis-statement. It's more like "long drawn-out fumbling attempt to make contact with a melee weapon."
Angel: I doubt Care Bear shit is cute. James: Everything about them is cute. "Oh, look, little heart-shaped turds..." Me: "Let's hug them!"
Jefe (on the real models for Jessica Rabbit): "We need you to sashay." "Why are you watching my tits?" "Shut up and do your work."
Jefe (More Jessica Rabbit): We need two things from you: no brain, double-D's.
Me (affecting goblin): Cabraah. Jefe: That's Klingon. Shit...the hobgoblin's Worf's bastard son. We're all going to die. Angel: Is that a name, or another language?
Phloxin: I think Klingon women are particularly hot.
Jefe: Hairball of goblin-speak. It's like a cursed item.
Angel: It's the hobgoblin of many accents! Jefe: And cursed items.
Angel: Anything else you want to tell us? Me (as hobgoblin): I wet my pants.
Angel: Is there any reason I shouldn't kill you where you stand? Me (as hobgoblin): Probably not. I don't want to die, though. Angel (to party): Where shall we bury him? Lily: What? Angel: He's raided how many caravans - murdered, raped, and looted... Me (as hobgoblin): I'm impotent? Angel: You're also incontinent.
Me: James! What are you doing? Every time I look over in your general direction... Phloxin: You mean genital direction.
Me: After that little foray into sodomy...
Angel (to me): How do you type with the keyboard on one side of you and the monitor behind you? Jefe: It's the Exorcist setup! Phloxin (growled harshly): Your mother is in here with us...