- Jefe: I know that said Getting Dad but it looked like it said "getting laid."
Lily: That's because you have sex on your mind.
Jefe: No I don't.
Lily: Yes you do, all the time.
Jefe: No I don't.
Lily: Yes, you do.
Jefe: I'm a passionate person! I don't have sex on the mind all the time.
Me: Write that down. All of it.
- Me: I'm going to note that this adventure is supposed to take 3 to 4 hours.
- Me: I need someone to be a plot whore. Who wants to be my plot whore today?
General chorus of volunteers.
Me: You can't.
Phloxin: Then why'd you ask?!
Me: Let me put it this way. (points at Lily) You're my plot bitch.
- Lily: Usual greetings, pleasantries. That sort of thing. I need your help.
- Angel: I'm blowing a flask.
Angel: Glass blowing.
- Angel: He's not the only gnome in Mome?
Me: No, he's not the only mo-..gnome in Mome.
Jefe: I'm not writing that.
- Angel and Phloxin (singing, to the tune of "Manamina", or whatever that Muppets song is): Gnomini, do-doo-da-doo-do. Gnomini, do-doo-do-do!
- Lily: Something has come up.
Angel: That's nice.
- Lily: I'm going to do something useful...like...cover my ears.
- Phloxin: I go hide my cat somewhere not even the GM can find him.
- Angel: Trap! —Errh, Crap, I tripped. On the caravan.
- Jefe: So. I hail you. "Hail."
Phloxin: What up, monkey?
- Phloxin: Damn, we're fast.
Me: You're on foot.
Jorath: And dog.
Me: And dog. He has two ratty-ass, beat up, hand-me-down, Salvation Army mules.
- Jefe: Nykki, you need to get one of those jobs where you make noises for movies with your own body parts and random implements...
- Me: He starts to build a little...uh...
Chorus of suggestions: "Tent", "palisade", "Fire..."
Me: Fire. Yeah. Or a penis.
- Angel: Fake pot?
Me: Yes, he has a huge-ass sack of oregano.
Phloxin, Jefe: That's one spicy meatball!
- Angel: I have breakfast.
Me: What are you having?
Angel: Vampiric mule. Spiced with oregano.
- Jefe: We are not eating human.
Phloxin: We are not eating Cuban?
- Me: Why?
Jefe: There is only do or do not.
- Jefe: That's one of the 1001 ways to castrate a man.
Me: I thought you were going to say "Eat my Jizz".
Angel (who works for a company whose clientele includes a number of "adult video stores", one of which sells the above title): I dunno, one of the popular ones is "100% Girls".
Me: As opposed to 95% girls and 5% sheep?!
- Angel: Where are you going?
Lily (looking at me): Ahem.
Me (frantically flipping papers): Laendersburg. (Pronounced "Lay-enders-burg")
A chorus of "Lay en de burg?" "Lady's Burg?"
- Phloxin: I'm not trying to lift anything off of anyone.
Jefe: Unfortunately, nobody believes in your new-found goodness.
- Me: He stakes his mules.
Angel: Are they evil undead mules?
Me: They graze on the blood soaked ground.
Angel: We're not camping here.
- Me: I heard titsy. Is that the feminine version of ballsy?
- Lily: Quit being a target.
Jefe: That's like "quit being a tool". It's just not going to happen.
- Angel: I'm going to boff the DM, okay?
James: I thought you already did that?
Phloxin: Blah, blah, blah.
- Jefe (running over to hit Goblins, rolls) Uh. Never mind.
Me: What, you're going to run over there and whiff?
Angel: Remember, goblins are short.
- Me, after Angel arrives one round later and misses the goblins twice: Remember, goblins are short.
- Phloxin (after maintaining positive hit points throughout a battle, for what is only the second time): I DIDN'T DIE!
- Angel: I remember the days when orcs were stupid.
Me: Are you reminiscing? I can up his hit points...
- Eric: This is why I don't play with toys.
Jefe: It's very easy to not get a dildo lost in your anus.
- Me: The paladin is carrying a limp gnome.
Angel: A lymph node?
- Me: The mules are also alive. OH! I heard the funniest story today...
- Me: Eric, what are you doing?
Phloxin (scampering for the bathroom): I am going to aim a crossbow bolt, get a Kleenex, and fire it.
Angel: In that order.
- Angel: I miss.
Phloxin: Take a drink.
Me: Oooh, D&D drinking games...
- Me: One wagon, two vampiric mules, and a dead proprietor with coals for eyes.
Phloxin: It's Frosty the gnome-man!
- Angel: What time is it?
- Phloxin: I name them (the mules).
Me: What do you name them, Left and Right?
Phloxin: No, Bert and Ernie.
- Angel: If you cannot identify the quote, it is probably from Random Williams. (pauses) Robin. Robin Williams.
- Angel: I cast Trace Without Path?
- Me: One set of small-sized studded leather armour, one shitty-ass short sword, and one crossbow of Plot Device.
Phloxin: I take the crossbow. Any quarrels?
Me: No. It's a crossbow of Plot Device.
- Me: Four sets of small-sized studded leather armour, four shitty-ass short swords -
Jefe: Short swords of plot device.
Me: And four soiled leather thongs.
- Me: Three vials of ink.
Angel, Jorath, and Phloxin: Oooh, ink!
Jorath (to Phloxin): Why are you so excited?
- Phloxin: And the wolf goes (effeminately, limp-wristed): "Get that sword out of my neck, grr."
- Me: You feel a brief premonition of doom, which then quickly fades.
Phloxin (a la Gir): Doom-de-doom-doom-doom-ooh, never mind.
- Angel: Somebody hit the orc.
Phloxin: That would be me.
Angel: You're an orc?
Phloxin: No, I hit the orc.
Phloxin (mind, Phloxin and Angel are playing twins): Surprise, dear sister...
- Phloxin: It's the belly button of the house! Get out of it!
- Me: Okay, maybe "simple combat scene" was a mis-statement. It's more like "long drawn-out fumbling attempt to make contact with a melee weapon."
- Angel: I doubt Care Bear shit is cute.
James: Everything about them is cute. "Oh, look, little heart-shaped turds..."
Me: "Let's hug them!"
- Jefe (on the real models for Jessica Rabbit): "We need you to sashay." "Why are you watching my tits?" "Shut up and do your work."
- Jefe (More Jessica Rabbit): We need two things from you: no brain, double-D's.
- Me (affecting goblin): Cabraah.
Jefe: That's Klingon. Shit...the hobgoblin's Worf's bastard son. We're all going to die.
Angel: Is that a name, or another language?
- Phloxin: I think Klingon women are particularly hot.
- Jefe: Hairball of goblin-speak. It's like a cursed item.
- Angel: It's the hobgoblin of many accents!
Jefe: And cursed items.
- Angel: Anything else you want to tell us?
Me (as hobgoblin): I wet my pants.
- Angel: Is there any reason I shouldn't kill you where you stand?
Me (as hobgoblin): Probably not. I don't want to die, though.
Angel (to party): Where shall we bury him?
Angel: He's raided how many caravans - murdered, raped, and looted...
Me (as hobgoblin): I'm impotent?
Angel: You're also incontinent.
- Me: James! What are you doing? Every time I look over in your general direction...
Phloxin: You mean genital direction.
- Me: After that little foray into sodomy...
- Angel (to me): How do you type with the keyboard on one side of you and the monitor behind you?
Jefe: It's the Exorcist setup!
Phloxin (growled harshly): Your mother is in here with us...
Quotey-quotey, Five dollar!
We'll be heading out on Saturday for a month-long mission trip to Papua New Guinea. Committed to trying to blog daily while there - will be sharing…
In case anyone is wondering what my daughter is up to these days, here she is! In other news, today was an ER day from hell, and I'm going to bed…
Sauntered in at 0730 with the intention of meeting fellowship director, who gives a lie to the old-dogs-new-tricks mantra, for a little chat about…